Who am I?

Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable - F. Scott Fitzegerald

Fact : Alcohol is linked to seven types of cancer. This is not a thumb suck, this is a fact and wether your drink choice is wine, beer, hard liquor, tequila or vodka, what you don't know about alcohol or what you choose to overlook could kill you.

When I gave up drinking after 28 years, I didn't for a second think I would actually give up. I knew I desperately needed to, but that didn't mean I could. As the sober days wore on into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I started doing some research and I came across many different articles, statistical facts and life stories and the effect of alcohol. All of them, once past the point of no return, were incredibly destructive.

This got me to wondering what is the single hardest worry we have when we decide to break up with our old friend. Why do we put it off when we know how bad and unhealthy it is? I mean come on, who really wants to wake up anxious, not remembering what they've done some times, with a dry mouth and feeling crap? Nobody. All these lies in our face everyday, this indoctrination, glamorising people on tv with a drink in their hand and that's what it takes for us to look "cool". Advertising we must drink responsibly, that's a laugh if I ever heard one. How many people can drink responsibly? I used to think I could, until I couldn't and now when I look back, there were so many times years before that, that I actually couldn't long before I thought I couldn't. We just live in a society where its acceptable and accepted. Where we egg each other on and say it's all in the name of having a good time and it was so funny last night. Where it's all fun, until it goes beyond that. A society where, when you say you don't drink anymore, the inquisitive and sometimes shock reaction you are met with is, but why? But why what.... It should be the other way around, we should be saying, well why do you drink?

I battled with my identity when I gave up. Well who am I if I don't drink. How am I going to socialise and what am I going to do with my days and my weekends. How am I gong to take the edge off, with having my kids around all afternoon until they go sleep. How am I going to go away on holiday and not have cocktails by the pool and get wasted. How would a holiday ever be fun with out alcohol. Then there is the navigating of your relationship. Your mind telling you, I am not the same woman my husband married 12 years ago anymore, what if he doesn't love me anymore because I've changed and still changing so much. It was daunting to say the least.

I learned a great little phrase at my meetings. One day at a time. As the sober journey stretched into the months, I started to feel so sorry for the old me. The old me that needed that crutch constantly to "enjoy" my life, to enjoy people, to enjoy my kids, to enjoy a date night with my husband. The old me that always needed a drink to celebrate anything. The old me that was so intertwined with drinking, that the thought of not having it again was like an agonising break up that I didn't want to even think about. Once my perception changed and I realised I could do everything I had been doing without it, but actually being present and enjoy the moment and people for what they were, that's when I started really living. I realised what an empty shell of an existence I had been living in, when drinking turned to an addiction where it was all I revolved my life around. I thought I was enjoying myself but I wasn't, I had actually been numb to living in the moment for a while. Living in the moment has absolutely nothing to do with alcohol and when I latched on to that, there was no stopping me. Not only could I do everything I had been doing without it, but I could also do more.

I was me - 2.0. Better, stronger, capable, willing and not needing any false courage or bravado.

I think the gift of sobriety when you've been on the dark side is very special. It allows you to be so grateful and so open and honest on another level. You realise you've wasted so much time on trivial crap and hours of your life you will never get back and you know you never want to ever go back there. So you love each moment that's given to you and this new found strength is on another level. You just feel invincible and unstoppable. Its a good feeling and one to hopefully harness and utilise. All I know is, if I put even a quarter much energy into how I used to drink, into my sobriety, it's all going to be okay and I will figure out the rest and add to who I am along the way.